I recommend the book ‘It Didn’t Start with You’ by Mark Wolynn if you have a complicated relationship with your family, including a family history of trauma. The middle chapters of this book excel at identifying how trauma may impact our relationships and provide guidance on healing or moving past its effects. Additionally, the later chapters discuss our ‘core language’ and how to recognize and understand it. However, if you’re seeking a book specifically to understand your personal trauma, this may not be the ideal choice. While it sheds light on the impact of past family trauma, it doesn’t delve deeply into addressing trauma in your current life. Wolny references research throughout the book, particularly when discussing his theory of trauma being passed down in our DNA, citing Bessel Van Der Kolk’s work on the brain-body connection. Although Van Der Kolk doesn’t explicitly state that trauma is passed through DNA, he does explore how trauma affects our brains. For those with a history of trauma, I highly recommend Van Der Kolk’s book ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ or a visit to the traumaresearchfoundation.org website. In my opinion, Van Der Kolk’s writing and research on trauma surpass that of Mark Wolynn.
“It Didn’t Start with You” does have the potential to help the reader explore their family history and uncover or gain a further understanding of how past traumas can affect our lives. I like that the book goes one step further than other books in identifying the ‘core language map’ which is beneficial in this process. Early in the book, he mentions that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy had not worked for many of his clients prior to seeing them, but I think this book may be an excellent foundation for CBT, as it can help individual really identify those core beliefs that impact our day to day lives and understanding them is often the first step to really challenging and addressing them. The strength of this book truly emerges in Chapter 5, where the author delves into ‘The Four Unconscious Themes’ and their significance. The opening paragraph of this chapter (on page 61) highlights the idea that we carry unresolved elements from the past—whether inherited emotions from our parents, transmitted through early relationships, or shared via unconscious loyalty or epigenetic changes.
Chapter 5 continues by exploring family relationships and posing thought-provoking questions. The exercises provided offer a pathway to resolving conflicts and healing hurts within relationships. Understanding and compassion, both for oneself and others, play a pivotal role—a theme central to Wolynn’s message.
In Chapter 6, the focus shifts to what the author terms the ‘core language map.’ Using four tools—the core complaint, core descriptor, core sentence, and core trauma—readers can identify the roots of feelings such as anxiety, depression, abandonment, anger, and disconnection. These exercises shed light on the legacy we inherit from our families and the internalized messages we unknowingly carry.
While ‘It Didn’t Start with You’ has the potential to help readers explore family history and understand how past traumas impact our lives, its unique contribution lies in the concept of the ‘core language map.’ By identifying core beliefs, individuals can address the patterns that affect their daily lives. Wolnny’s approach complements Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), allowing us to challenge and overcome obstacles.
Understanding the origin of these messages is valuable—it enables us to view them differently and move beyond hidden barriers. If you seek deeper insight into family dynamics and trauma history, this book is well worth reading. As with most books I review, it’s available at the Regina Public Library, alongside Bessel van der Kolk’s ‘The Body Keeps the Score,’ which I mentioned earlier.
Karrie Derbyshire
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