Review of Bruce Fisher's "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends"

Navigating divorce can be an immensely arduous journey. While it may appear evident, I want to underscore that divorce represents one of life’s most profound losses—for both adults and the children involved. The grieving process following a divorce mirrors the trajectory of losing a loved one. Simultaneously, individuals mourning the end of a long-term relationship or marriage may also grapple with the loss of friendships, family support, financial stability, and their dreams for the future. This intricate process can leave people feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about how to move forward.

Bruce Fisher’s book, “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends,” serves as a valuable roadmap for those experiencing divorce or the end of a long term relationship.  The book outlines a path forward, offering a lifeline to those who feel lost. With 19 steps, Fisher likens the journey to climbing a mountain—a fitting metaphor for navigating pain and overcoming difficult challenges. Each step demands focus and time, emphasizing that this is not a weekend read but a transformative journey. Importantly, “Rebuilding” includes sections dedicated to children, recognizing their grief and providing insights for parents who, despite their own pain, can offer support and understanding.

Bruce Fisher’s 19 building blocks, which he describes as steps on the journey toward climbing the to the top of the mountain, or healing after divorce:

1. Guilt/Rejection: Wrestling with feelings of guilt and rejection.
2. Friendships: Exploring the role of friendships during this transition.
3. Loneliness: Acknowledging and addressing feelings of loneliness.
4. Adaptation: Reflecting on why we choose certain partners and striving for healthier relationships.
5. Fear: Confronting fears related to change and the unknown.
6. Denial: Recognizing denial as a coping mechanism.
7. Transition: Navigating the shift from one life phase to another.
8. Self-Worth: Evaluating our self-worth and identity.
9. Letting Go: Releasing attachments to the past.
10. Anger: Processing anger and its impact.
11. Grief: Mourning the loss of the relationship.
12. Relatedness: Understanding how we connect with others.
13. Sexuality: I am interested, but I’m scared.
14. Trust: Rebuilding trust in ourselves and others.
15. Love: Reimagining love and its forms.
16. Openness: Cultivating openness to new experiences.
17. Purpose: Rediscovering personal purpose and meaning.
18. Singleness: Embracing singlehood as a valuable state.
19. Freedom: Finding liberation from old patterns.

I think all of the chapters or blocks are important, but really appreciate the chapter on adaptation.  In this chapter, Bruce Fisher delves into why individuals make the choices they do when it comes to partners. He encourages readers to reflect on this crucial aspect. A notable excerpt from this chapter poses thought-provoking questions: “Why do so many people, when faced with the option of a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship, often gravitate toward the latter? What does true health in a relationship look like? How does it feel? And how can we cultivate healthy relationships with ourselves and others?” These inquiries are essential for understanding our past connections, especially when trying to comprehend why we were with our ex-partners. More importantly, they serve as a compass to avoid repeating the same patterns. In my counselling practice, I have encountered on a few occasions, couples who divorce, and then I see one of the partners a few years later, with a new partner, who is exactly the same as the old one, and they are having the exact same issues.  So, it is important to understand why you chose the relationships you do, so that you can make healthier choices in the future, or you are in danger of repeating same pattern.  As this book discusses, the end of a relationship is hard, so do not recreate what has not worked for you in the past, as you do not want to repeat the same process again.

There is also a chapter on anger, and in it are some words of wisdom that I think are really important.  The chapter discusses the healthy expression of anger, and not just venting, but acknowledging and moving through anger.  I like how he writes about this, but more importantly he says, “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of dealing with your anger.”  The reason he emphasizes this, is that if anger is not expressed in a constructive manner, there is the risk of using children as a way of getting back at an ex-partner or using them as a vehicle for your anger.  Using children as a weapon is so destructive to them and can leaves scars that they carry for rest of their lives.

As you progress through the later chapters of this book, you’ll find a sense of optimism. These chapters delve into self-understanding, self-love, creating a support system, and reaching a point where you may desire a new, healthy relationship or simply relish being single.

Bruce Fisher really recommends that “Rebuilding” and a workbook that accompanies it, be used in a group setting.  There used to a group in Regina that did utilize it, and I think many people found it helpful.  The mutual support of others, and hearing their stories can be really helpful.  I could not find a “Rebuilding” group in the city currently, but the Apostolic Church does have a group called DivorceCare.  I do not know what this group is like, but I do think many people find the support of other people in a similar situation very helpful, and it is also an opportunity to meet other people at a time when you may be looking for new friendships.

This book is certainly of value without a group, and it can be worked through step by step.  For anyone experiencing the end of a long term relationship, I would definitely recommend it.