I recently embarked on a journey through the pages of Jon Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, a book that has garnered widespread acclaim. Co-authored with Nan Silver, this marriage guide has secured its place on numerous recommended reading lists for couples, including Oprah Winfrey’s.
My quest began when I discovered that my local library—usually a treasure trove of literary delights—had all formats of this book (paperback, ebook, and audio) completely booked for the next 28 weeks. Clearly, countless couples seem to be seeking guidance on enhancing their marriages by reading this particular book, so I thought I would review it as someone who has owned and utilized “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” with couples.
Having undergone training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, I appreciate the book’s wealth of information and practical exercises. It presents a straightforward read, with limited professional jargon, inviting couples to embark on joint explorations and strengthen their marital bonds. However, my perspective diverges from the mainstream in a few key ways that I wanted to share before couples delve into this book. I feel couples should consider a few caveats about the book—purely my opinions, mind you. After all, it’s my blog, and a touch of subjectivity is allowed!
The first significant caveat about the book is: The authors seem dismissive of alternative approaches to marriage counseling, asserting that well-meaning therapists inundate couples with advice on negotiation and communication. Their statement “At one time, I would have done the same… I was wrong”, clearly dismisses the work of therapists that focus communication skills and negotiation. Their belief is that seven fundamental principles underpin successful marriages, with friendship as a cornerstone. These principles, which we’ll delve into later, indeed offer valuable guidance. However, upon closer examination, they primarily revolve around communication exercises and skill-building for negotiation. In essence, they serve as tools to enhance communication and problem-solving within relationships.
Couples seeking help should not feel confined to a single approach, and I find their dismissal of other approaches problematic. The therapeutic landscape is diverse, with various effective methodologies. For instance, Solution-Focused Therapy and Emotion-Focused Therapy have demonstrated evidence-based success. The American Psychological Association reports that Emotion-Focused Therapy benefits up to 75% of couples. What truly matters is the connection—the resonance—between the couple and their chosen therapist or resource. Each relationship is unique, and what works for one may not resonate with another. Therefore, I challenge the notion that there exists only one universally effective approach. Couples should be empowered to explore different paths, ensuring they find the guidance that truly speaks to their hearts and needs.
The second caveat I have about the book is it fails to acknowledge the inherent limitations of its approach. It assumes that the exercises within its pages will universally suffice for all couples. However, real-life relationships can be far more complex and multifaceted. Consider this scenario: Imagine a couple seeking guidance from this book. One partner grapples with an active addiction, another battles mental health issues, and yet another carries the weight of childhood trauma. These profound challenges extend beyond the scope of the book’s exercises. In such cases, addressing these underlying issues becomes a prerequisite before fully immersing in the seven principles outlined. While the book provides valuable tools, it’s crucial to recognize that some relationships require additional support beyond what the book offers.
Having discussed the book’s limitations, it might appear that I disregard its worth entirely. However, that’s not the case. In truth, I recognize substantial value within its pages, especially for certain couples. Now, let’s delve into the great aspects of this book.
Within the pages of this book, a clear spotlight shines on the factors that contribute to the unraveling of marriages. The authors assert that these factors serve as predictors of divorce: in fact they state that they predict divorce with great accuracy. Among these concepts, the intriguingly named “Four Horsemen” emerge: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you’ve worked with couples teetering on the brink of relationship crisis, you’ll recognize these horsemen consistently riding through their interactions. Disrupting this destructive pattern becomes paramount for a couple’s success. The book’s description of the Four Horsemen is excellent. As you read, it becomes evident how these behaviors weave into what the authors term “harsh start-ups”—those initial conversations where the Four Horsemen set the tone, dooming a couple’s ability to resolve conflicts. Yet, there’s a glimmer of hope. The book gracefully transitions toward a discussion of “soft start-ups”, the hallmark of thriving marriages. These gentle beginnings lead us to the seven principles, a roadmap for couples seeking to shift from rocky terrain to a softer, more hopeful place. If you’ve ever felt trapped in the hardness of relationship struggles, this book helps you remember: there is hope.
One of the core concepts of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, and the Gottman Method, is that a strong friendship and trust are at the heart of a healthy relationship and the seven principles will help couples build towards a strong friendship, which lead to romance, passion and great sex. So what are these seven principles:
1. Enhance Your “Love Maps”
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
3. Turn to Each Other Instead of Away
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
6. Overcome Gridlock
7. Ritual of Connection
I will not try to explain each principle, as you really need to read the book to understand each, and a short version will not do them justice. What I will say, is that each chapter has exercises for couples to complete together, including a ‘love map’ and a seven week course in building fondness and admiration, which aid couples in building healthy pattern and laying the foundations of friendships. I really like these exercises for couples, as I think they do contribute to a healthier relationship and dare I say, improved communication and negotiations. If you are a problem solver, like I am, it also gives the couple a sense that they are moving forward and making progress as they complete them. The feeling that things can and will improve is very important when you have been experiencing a rough place and can offer hope and relief. The authors also included a section on resolving common ‘solvable problems’ which I love, as it may help couples get unstuck and really resolve something that has been an annoying issue for a long time; again raising hope and building skill.
So I do think this book is absolutely worth the read, and can be very valuable to couples who want to improve their marriage. I had a few caveats about the book I wanted to share, as this book, like other books, may not connect with everyone, and wanted couples to know that there are other resources that are also evidence based and may offer them something of value. However, this book is a great place to start and if it connects with you, could really improve your relationship.
Karrie Derbyshire
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